When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I woke up under a house in Key West
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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