the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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