Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
