his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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