R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
