apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
