I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
