i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
