we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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