I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
