Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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