We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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