Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
