sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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