Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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