He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
