When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
