All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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