the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
