my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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