She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just forgot I was standing up.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
