We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
