my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
