were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
