she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
