i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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