New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We have started to decorate penises.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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