So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
