i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
