Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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