I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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