my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize