so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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