i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Randomize
