The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
