Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize