I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
