even my farts smell like vagina
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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