Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
