My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
