I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
