god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
