totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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