dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
