Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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