My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
