you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
