I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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