She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
