I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
