i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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