Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize