No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
