Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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