is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sober January is a disaster.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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