All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
