apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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