i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
