Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
