There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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